My Child Argues With Everything I Say. What Can I Do?

Many kids argue as a way of testing limits, displaying independence, sharing their opinion, or for another reason. It's great to have a strong personality and sense of self. However, in some cases, parents with an argumentative child may experience constant arguments, harsh words, and power struggles that make them feel like they're approaching their breaking point.

So, what can you do if your child won't stop arguing? There's a healthy way to navigate arguments and get to a more harmonious place, all while respecting your child's personality and point of view.

In this article, we'll discuss reasons a child might argue, such as a desire for autonomy and natural curiosity. Then, we'll review helpful tips for parents of an argumentative child.

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Why Does My Child Argue with Everything I Say?

Power struggles aren't fun to say the least. However, kids who argue rarely do so without reason. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Rather than engaging in bad behavior deliberately, kids might argue due to a desire for autonomy and control, or they might view things differently than you do - just like you might experience with adults! Disagreements aren't necessarily a "bad thing." In the course of an argument with your child, you might discover traits that'll get them far in life, such as thinking for oneself or standing up for what they think is right.

Some kids argue or push the limits when they don't feel heard by their families. Another possible reason for a child's arguing is a lack of understanding of why certain rules or expectations are in place. Kids are curious by nature. For children, "Why do I need to do my homework?" is a fully valid and reasonable question. To some degree, arguing can be a normal part of becoming their own person and developing greater awareness of the world around them.

None of this means that arguments with a child are easy. There are ways to respond moving forward that can help you parent an argumentative child while caring for yourself and supporting the course of your child's development.

Tips For Parenting An Argumentative Child

Now, we've gone over why arguments aren't necessarily poor behavior. At the same time, children must learn social skills and get to a place where arguing is not problematic. It is possible to have productive conversations and a more harmonious home. Here are some tips for handling conversations with an argumentative child.

Have the right perspective

First and foremost, look at your child's positive characteristics that relate to arguing behavior. It is a positive thing that your child has their own opinion. Likely, they are clever, think for themselves, and stand up for themselves. These are all things you want your child to keep, as these traits will serve them in many ways later in life. The goal is not to change your child. Instead, it's to teach them to use their characteristics in a positive way and to make sure that the rules that really matter are followed.

When you have reasonable house rules or expectations, don't fold on them. Stay firm but kind. At the same time, don't view arguments as pure defiance or a willing power struggle. Healthy curiosity, a sense of justice, and other positive traits are all common in kids who feel compelled to argue or question what they're told.

Explain your reasons clearly

Let's say that your child is constantly arguing with house rules. Maybe, they're trying to push the screen time limit you have for them, or they don't want to go to bed at their bedtime. Perhaps, they don't want to go to school or engage in school refusal. These are all very common examples of arguments parents have with their kids.

Providing children with a clear reason for rules and expectations goes alongside maintaining the right perspective. "Because I said so" is not an adequate reason. When you want a child to do something, whether that's follow a particular rule (like "don't hit your siblings") or finish their chores, it is vital to explain why.

Kids may not always understand why certain rules or tasks matter. Furthermore, most people have a hard time accepting that they need to do something they don't want to if they don't have a reason for it. Even beyond that, when you are willing to explain your expectations clearly to your child, it models respect.

Pick your battles

If you have constant arguments with your child and it's wearing you down, it might be time to pick your battles. While explanations and respect matter, you don't need to engage in every argument your child starts.

Picking your battles can also relate to the reason why you argue. What rules and expectations really matter to you? What's reasonable, and what is not?

Some children grow up in households with no rules. Other kids grow up in households with too many. Ideally, parents should strike a balance that makes sense for their unique children and family.

Remember that you, like your child, do not always need the last word and that it's okay to change some household rules if you decide to. 

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Keep an open mind

If arguments happen often, you might be prone to respond by shutting it down and telling your child "that's enough." However, not every argument has the same motivation. Sometimes, a child does want to test limits or get the last word. Other times, a child might argue for a legitimate reason or due to an emotion they're experiencing.

Keep an open mind and listen to your child's feelings and thoughts. Even if it's not a situation where you can let them have their way, take a deep breath and listen. Once again, this is a way to model respect, and when a child feels heard, they are often more likely to engage in positive behavior (even if it takes time and other interventions)!

Create an open space for disagreements

Likely, your argumentative child argues about more than one thing. Sometimes, an argument will be about conflicting points of view. Other times, it might be about not wanting to do homework, bad behavior, or something else parents can't let fly. Let them know that it's okay to disagree with other people but that some things are okay and some aren't.

Respect your child's point of view, and respond to any argument in a way that addresses their emotions. Make sure that they know you heard them and what they had to say by repeating it back (e.g., "I hear you. It sounds like you don't want to do homework.")

Be a good role model

Set a good example for your child by navigating conversations as you'd like them to. Be mindful of how you communicate both when you talk to your child and when you talk to other people (e.g., other adults in or outside of the home).

When you're mid-power struggle with your child during arguments, remain calm. Respect others, and refrain from the behavior you wouldn't want your child to engage in.

Teach problem-solving techniques

During an argument, take a moment to ask yourself, "Is this an opportunity to problem-solve together?" Depending on the nature of an argument, you might have a chance to teach your child a valuable lesson about working together with other people to compromise or find the best solution.

Have limits and boundaries for arguments

Some kids engage in verbal arguments only. While it can require energy from parents, rarely is this behavior harmful on its own. Other children may engage in physically aggressive behavior, name-calling, or other forms of negative behavior. Set firm boundaries about what is okay and what is not. Tell your child that it's okay to disagree but that hitting, yelling, or name-calling are wrong. There are better ways to express their point and handle disagreements.

If emotionally or physically harmful behavior continues, consider seeking help from a medical or mental health professional. Behavior therapy is highly recommended as a treatment for ADHD, and it can help with various other concerns as well.

Stay calm

It's tough to stay calm with argumentative kids sometimes. If a child continues arguing day after day, it makes sense for parents to feel frustrated. Take a deep breath and respond to your child calmly. If you do slip up and react in a way that you don't feel good about, turn things around and set a good example for your child by apologizing.

You are human, and we all make mistakes. If you struggle to stay calm during one conversation, don't beat yourself up. Parenting is a learning curve, and most of us are doing a better job than we give ourselves credit for.

Give your child options

As briefly discussed, children tend to crave autonomy. If you think about it, kids don't have a lot of control over what happens in their life. Give your child options in scenarios where it's possible for you and your family members. Make sure that your child has clear rules and expectations where it counts, but encourage healthy self-expression and independence in other areas.

When you aren't actively engaging in an argument, take a moment to focus and ask yourself: What can you let your child choose in their daily life? When can you ask for their point of view to show that it matters to you?

This tip is not so much for the moment of an active argument, but it can make a difference in the way a child feels, and it is a great way to support their judgment and sense of self - two things kids are often attempting to develop through arguments.

Takeaway 

Every family has different rules and values. If you have an argumentative child, remember that your child's goal likely isn't to stress you out. It is possible to turn an argument into a productive conversation with your children by setting a good example, explaining the reason behind your expectations, and working together. In the case that your child exhibits hurtful behavior, whether through yelling, name-calling, or physical acts, set limits and boundaries.